Journal Entry / My Journey Through My Work

Since committing to 'morning pages' on and off this year, I've noticed my work shift. Slowly, and unintentionally, many of my pieces stemmed from the thoughts being blurted down in that journal. Some days, weeks even, the pages can make no sense at all. Doodles, random words and photos-- depictions of thoughts, anxieties, progression-- they don't always make sense. They're just with us. Subconsciously visiting and passing through in any form we allow.

But with that, also comes very fluid and honest writing. Raw experiences turning into language. And i've noticed many of these concepts creeping into my paintings, which in turn, makes them much more personal. More authentic. They are my stories. 

Last week, I completed a figurative work I had been flowing through in this process. Most of my life, I've participated in a constant struggle of perfectionism vs my true self. Hiding away in fear. Being what is needed for others, while denying myself the opportunity to have a an authentic voice. While yes, some have forced it upon me, most of the time, I created these scenarios willingly. I have always given up that voice with no hesitation, in fear of having to open up. In fear of being vulnerable, being seen, and being rejected. I have always been much better at feeling less, creating an elaborate facade, and sacrificing no matter the cost. Staying small and unnoticeable was comfortable. There was no risk in that. I forfeited growth and curiosity for security and fear. 

The last few years have been challenging, eye-opening, and challenging for my growth. It's pretty life altering, the changes that come our way when we just stop asking for permission. Sometimes I think we forget just how much we've overcome to get to this exact moment, to be experiencing the now. I look back on the girl I was two, three, four years ago-- and I don't even recognize her. And I'm honestly so proud to be leaving her behind. 

from a personal journal entry;



and the thoughts began to morph into color...


The pose chosen was a confident one. Standing tall, face to the sky, basking in the sunlight. There is no hesitation in her movement. She just is. 

The negative space and surroundings in this piece are much more interactive than other recent works. It's bold, bright color washes--dripping and flowing--leading your eye around the canvas. There is so much energy in these colors, the way they dance and interact, the way the layers are seen in corners and hidden among others. But even with all of this distraction, your eye stays fixed on her. Despite the chaos, despite the temptation, her figure captivates the scene. 

Despite the voices, despite the influences and pressure; authenticity remains apparent. Her truth is the focus, along with the fight to relentlessly open up and be known. To be vulnerable. To be loved. To be unapologetic. To be fearless. 

The fear will always be there. Accepting that it's part of your journey is the first step. But you don't have to answer to it. x

samantha rueterComment